Are They Even Trying?

I'm trying to be hopeful for the PWHL's success, and it seems like they have enough money to make the league work in the long term. It's very clear that the players are beyond talented and the action on the ice is worth every penny, so the entertainment value is most certainly there. The problem for this league exists entirely in the boardroom, and it's time for those who are sitting at that boardroom table to figure out how to make the teams far more important to their communities and hockey fans in general because this new round of team names is absolutely awful. In fact, almost as bad as the first six names they rolled out last year.

Let's go through these new names and figure out if they could be better. I'm not going to sugarcoat this: all of them can be better, and I'll offer suggestions as to how they can be better. As it stands, here are the six teams, their logos, and how those names were chosen.

Team: Boston Fleet

Meaning: "The Boston Fleet pays homage to the unified spirit of our people, players, and fans, who move together with speed, strength, and a relentless might to add new legacy to Boston's storied history of resilience."

Why It Doesn't Work: Who comes up with this verbal diarrhea of people, players, and fans moving together with speed, strength, and relentless might? None of that is how I see Boston as a hockey town, and I really struggle to understand how some marketing genius sold this idea. Yes, Boston has a harbour, but it's known for the amount of tea dumped into it, not for a fleet of ships.

What Would Be Better: Boston Aviators. Amelia Earhart embraced women's rights as she ascended to become the the first female aviator to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean. She was an icon through the 1920s and 1930s in Massachusetts where she taught, fought for women's rights, and pursued aviation interests on a number of fronts.

Potential Logo: A Lockheed 10-E Electra-type airplane on the front, Earhart's plane, with an aviator cap and goggles on the shoulder.

Team: Minnesota Frost

Meaning: "Minnesota Frost celebrates hockey's fierceness and beauty, a timeless Minnesota tradition, bridging generations. Come November, this Championship-winning team will once again take the ice, paying tribute to a people born with skates on our feet."

Why It Doesn't Work: How does "Frost" celebrate anything to do with hockey's fierceness, beauty, tradition in Minnesota, or the generations of people who have played it? How does "Frost" pay any sort of tribute? It's frozen condensation! Who writes this garbage and, worse, who actually believes it?

What Would Be Better: Minnesota Explorers. Ann Bancroft grew up in St. Paul, Minnesota where she became an author, a wilderness instructor, and a gym teacher in Minneapolis. The Ann Bancroft Foundation, founded in 1991, helps individuals and families to go on outdoor adventures, and Bancroft became the first woman to reach the North Pole on foot and by sled in 1986. In partnering with the Minnesota Wild, the Explorers would fit into the wilderness imagery for which Minnesota is known.

Potential Logo: A map with a large X on it on the front with a toque on the shoulder.

Team: New York Sirens

Meaning: "Inspired by the exhilarating blare of the goal siren, the New York Sirens are an ode to the hustle, rhythm and swagger of NYC. The goal siren is an urgent call to take to the ice and triumph at the speed of sound and New York itself – the city you can't stop but you can always hear coming."

Why It Doesn't Work: Does anyone in the PWHL boardroom know how hockey is played? The goal siren isn't an urgent call to take the ice; it's the sound after a goal was scored - something the New York team didn't do well last year. How are sirens an ode to "hustle, rhythm and swagger" in any way, shape, or form? Aren't sirens heard when a crime has been committed? That's a weird ode.

What Would Be Better: New York Alliance. New York City is made up of five boroughs, and there 65 bridges connecting the people of New York throughout the city. The Brooklyn Bridge is one of the more famous bridges in New York City, and it was engineer Emily Warren Roebling who committed more than ten years as chief engineer to complete the bridge after her husband fell ill. While New York may have two baseball teams, two hockey teams, and two football teams, the people of the five boroughs are allies to one another thanks to those bridges and through the play of the Alliance.

Potential Logo: A bridge with a big apple silhouette in the background on the front with an interlocking NYC on the shoulder.

Team: Montreal Victoire

Meaning: "Whether we win or lose, 'Victory' is a state of mind, our primary motivation. The name Victoire will inspire us to reach new heights – for the glory of the team, our sport and for all of Montreal!" By the way, having the meaning of your team name's page go to a 404 page isn't how you want to start your legacy. Maybe they'll fix that?

Why It Doesn't Work: No offence to Montreal, but "victory" is the goal of every team when they take the ice. If Montreal wins, does the Victory earn a victory? How does one earn itself? While I appreciate the effort on the name and logo, it fails in practice.

What Would Be Better: L'Esprit de Montreal. Montreal is its own unique city with a culture unlike any other in North America. That includes the people, the food, the events, the joie de vivre, and history of the city. Because of these traits, the spirit of Montreal lives on through its people and the fans of the Montreal PWHL franchise, and the players embody that spirit every time they take the ice!

Potential Logo: Admittedly, this logo is harder to conceptualize, but I would suggest figuring out a way to incorporate the "E" from Esprit and "M" from Montreal into a working logo. Toss the fleur-de-lis on the shoulders, and we're ready to go.

Team: Ottawa Charge

Meaning: "Inspired by the city's motto "Advance – Ottawa – En Avant", 'Charge' speaks to an electrifying force that pulses through Ottawa's river and streets, through the stands of the arena and on the ice, driving us all only in one direction: forever forward."

Why It Doesn't Work: Who is the ad wizard that came up with "electrifying force that pulses through Ottawa's river and streets"? Ottawa isn't known for how fast it moves, specifically when it comes to government. They're still battling over a downtown arena, and that's been going on for years now. If anything, "Charge" seems to relate to static electricity considering how static the city is. And how does that logo even comes close to relating to "electricifying" in any way? This is a complete failure.

What Would Be Better: Ottawa Conductors. Ottawa's railway system started in 1850, and by 1882 there were connections that reached Montreal and beyond. Bringing the country together was something that Ottawa's rail system did as it expanded quickly after Queen Victoria named the city as the capital of Canada. There's also a legend of an abandoned rail tunnel, complete with a lost train, in LeBreton Flats. Needless to say, there's some history in Ottawa when it comes to railroads. How cool would that angle be at hockey games?

Potential Logo: It wouldn't be hard to create something like the old North Bay Centennials' logo with a conductor's hat hanging off the "C". Throw the a steam train silhouette on the shoulder, and this design works well!

Team: Toronto Sceptres

Meaning: "The Sceptre has forever been a symbol of strength and power, found in courts and palaces, held by Queens and Kings in ceremony. Today, it will be wielded on the ice by Toronto's hockey royalty. The Sceptres embody Toronto's regal history, commanding presence and rich heritage from Queens Quay to Queen Street."

Why It Doesn't Work: It's literally a prop for monarchs and rulers. It would be like the LA Kings changing their name to the LA Crowns or the London Knights changing their name to the London Broad Swords. It doesn't mean anything, it has no tie to the city of Toronto, and Toronto has never had a regal history. This might be the worst name of the six proposed.

What Would Be Better: Toronto Cosmos. Whether the team name evokes memories of Roberta Bondar, Canada's first female astronaut and neurologist in space, being a cosmopolitan city for the vast number of women who have found success there from all backgrounds, or because we can cheekily joke that Toronto is the "Centre of the Universe", the Cosmos bring a new identity to the city when one is attempting to reach for the stars. How's that for marketing wizardry?

Potential Logo: Have some fun with some stellar imagery in this one, but there are dozens of different ways this logo could be conceived. Add the space helmet to the shoulder and this jersey would be out of this world!

All of these new names and logos have a much deeper tie to each of the communities in which they're used, and they all represent something or someone from each city's respective history. Each would allow for incredible mascot and imagery opportunities, and they don't sound like they were generated by some AI program who was just being fed "cool hockey team names". Give me something that ties the team to the community when it comes to team names because that has real meaning!

Thoughts? I know you have them after reading this, and I feel like you want to express them. Throw them in the comments and we'll discuss. Maybe you have better names or ideas that should be used - that's entirely possible! Unless you put them in the comments, though, it's hard to know what they are! Start writing, and we'll discuss as the second season of utterly terrible team names gets underway in the PWHL!

Until next time, keep your sticks on the ice!